It’s like this…you need to stop traveling.
You say you’ve enjoyed the vacations you’ve taken, that travel has made you a better person, blahblah NOTHING TO DO WITH ME blahblah. That’s great so long as you’re aware of this new house rule: from now on you are not to leave for more than two hours at a time. I think that’s perfectly reasonable and – most importantly – it totally works for me.
Because here’s the thing: I don’t like being cooped up in here. It’s not right. Not for someone with adventurous sensibilities and a feral heritage like me. This lithe body needs to run around the yard and climb trees for seven, sometimes ten minutes a day. At the time of my choosing, of course.
Do you know what happened this last time you were prancing around on vacation and your neighbor came over to feed me? I’ll bet she withheld sharing this important little detail, but I’m going to put it to you straight:
I pawed at the back door — *pawed* at it — and do you know what she did?
Yeah, let’s let that sink in for a minute: nothing. I did not go outside, no squirrels were chased and I’m probably right this very minute entering the danger zone of vitamin D deficiency. I hope you’re pleased.
So let me just call a spade a spade — I know you’re up to something. I see you over there fooling around on the Internet getting ideas, and let me tell you what…
I don’t like it.
I ate half the ivy in the living room so that you get how serious I am about this. And if I so much as hear anyone say “TripAdvisor” around here, well…let me just politely remind you what I did to that lizard yesterday.
Now let me out.
When not attending to the important business of napping or lizard population control, Maisey loves to go out then come in then go out then come in again.
She enjoys a platter of dry kibble paired with fresh rainbarrel water and appears equally indifferent to a wide variety of music genres. Her vacation protests have claimed the lives of one potted plant and three glass vases.